I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
