im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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