quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
