I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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