My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
