Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
found the other keg... it's in the tree
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
