It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
