My underwear smells like fireworks.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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