Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
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The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
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not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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