Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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