His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
