After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
