Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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