I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
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My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
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I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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