The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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