if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
