i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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