Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
