Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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