my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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