So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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