No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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