Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
no, he came in my armpit
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Randomize
