He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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