Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
