I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
