Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
