i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
