She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
