so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Randomize
