You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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