There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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