May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Randomize
