some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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