i barfeds in our rink
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
