Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
