Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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