I'm sorry my penis didn't work
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
It was like giving head to a cactus.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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