so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
