He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
