when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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