my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
