Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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