Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
