Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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