took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
