What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
