fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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