I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
