My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
