just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
