two words: eviction party
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
