Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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