I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I use my feet as sexual weapons
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
