Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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