Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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