All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
