I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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