I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
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i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
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this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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