Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
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